


Night Swimming

by Bearfootscar



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Psychological Drama, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-23
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-21 04:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/895762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearfootscar/pseuds/Bearfootscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle of Thessia, Kaidan receives an invitation from Shepard to go swimming in the Citadel reservoir at 3 am.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Swimming

Kaidan’s omnitool only blips at 3 am when Shepard has been drinking.  With a sigh, he rolls over in his bunk to quiet it when three more messages come in quick succession.  Drunk messaging again?  With every intention to turn off the sound notifications, he picks up his device and sees the number blinking at him.  I can’t believe I’m doing this, he thinks as he flips open the message screen to see what pressing drunk ramblings could not wait until hangover time tomorrow.

2:42--Bar’s closing.

2:47--I’m going swimming.  Wanna come?

2:48--In the Citadel reservoir.  Might be cold.

2:49--Please?

“Of all the crazy inane shit,” he grumbles as he throws the blankets off and swings his feet over the side.  Body still aching from their failed mission to Thessia, his bare feet ease onto the cold floor as his hands come up to his forehead where he threads his fingers through his hair.  

His relationship with Shepard has always been... complicated.  Ever since he first set eyes on her three years ago, there was instant electricity at the back of his throat.  It is that same feeling as during a stealth mission-- an inhalation and erosion of silence as the enemy is searching for him.  Imminent danger.  The situation spiraling out of his control.  That’s how he feels around Shepard--but like she is the one stalking and he is the prey.

3 am swimming in the reservoir.  Here again is that sparking on his tongue.  Somehow he is already half dressed and ready to meet her. 

He fully expects to see her doing the backstroke past the Krogan statue with a full contingent of C-Sec trying to lure her out by the time he arrives, but the Presidium is surprisingly serene.  The clicking of a nearby working keeper and the light footfalls of two passing Asari are the only sounds above the susurration of the water.  

Kaidan discovers a path strewn with discarded sneakers and socks a few feet from the walkway leading to the Financial District.  He eases himself over the edge to a small alcove where the water rises nearly to the top of the retaining wall.  Once down below, he can clearly see her silhouetted figure  leaning against a bridge post with her feet hanging off the sides into the water.  Her head rests against the post at an odd angle, like she accidentally fell asleep there, and he might think that she actually is passed out, except he can see the rhythmic swaying of her feet swirling against the current of the water.

He watches her for a moment before clearing his throat, “Ah, Shepard?”

“You came.”  She does not turn to face him, but rather speaks to the eddy of water curling around her ankles.

“You said ‘please’,” he answers as he steps closer.  Her face is masked in shadows from the walkway lighting above. Normally, she is quick with laughter or a retort, but tonight he is only met with a low, “Mmm.”

He tries again, “I thought you were going to swim?”

“I still may.” Her tone is decidedly grim which surprises Kaidan.  The last time they had been out drinking together, she had convinced him that “bowling for Hanar” would be a suitable drunken sport.  When he balked, they settled on “bowling with Hanar” instead and he had never laughed so hard or so long in his life.  Maybe she isn’t as drunk as he assumes?  But as he closes the gap between them, the familiar smell of malt confirms his original suspicion.  

He lowers himself to the ground next to her and examines her shadowy  face.  Her freckles are barely visible in the dimness, but he can make out that her eyes are clenched shut and her lips pursed tightly.  She is either about to vomit or cry.

“Hey, now.  Are you feeling alright?” He moves to place a hand reassuringly on her shoulder, but she shrinks away from it.  His hand hangs frozen in the air for a harsh moment before he brings it back down.

She has never shied from his touch before.  Even when they were reunited on Horizon, she had wrapped her arms around him so tightly he could feel it through his armor.  And when she had rejoined the Alliance, when things were still so awkward between them, she had wormed her hand into his at the firing range.  He’d put down a pistol and she filled the vacant space with a hand that fit perfectly in his.  He had tried to pull away then, but her other hand caught him, made him look her in the eyes.  Those eyes said, “It’s okay, Kaidan.”  And it was.  It was so right.  

But tonight, her head shakes slowly. “No, Kaidan.  I’m..." He can barely hear her confession above the quiet swishing of the water, "...not okay."

“What is it, Shepard?” He lets his question fill the space between them for a few long moments while he watches her face squeeze even more tightly into a knot.  The corners of her eyes compress in a way that reveals wrinkles where none were before.  

“I can’t.  Not anymore,” she finally releases. “I’m done.”  

And with the last word, her whole body rolls forward.  At first, Kaidan thinks she is going to put her face in her hands and release her tears, but he should have known Shepard not to be the kind of woman to allow herself that luxury.  After Eden Prime, he had gone to her quarters to deliver a data pad and found her obsessively watching vids of the news footage.  Her face had been knotted up then too, but even with Jenkins’ death visibly pressing down upon her, he never saw a single tear.

But instead of the much deserved tears, she shifts her center of balance and pitches herself toward the dark water of the reservoir at her feet.  The move takes Kaidan completely by surprise.  It is an act of resignation.  And he realizes that she means this to be her final swim. 

“No,” he instinctively plants his palm against her chest, stopping her just a hair before gravity takes over.  She hovers in place, suspended by his flaring biotics. 

Her face slowly turns toward him.  Her eyes are puffy, but otherwise cold as they look past him. “I want this.” 

“I said, ‘no’.” His voice is firm though his whole body is quivering.  Her eyes eventually refocus on him, still cool and dark in the artificial lights of the darkened space.  He can feel her struggling against his biotics towards the water as her eyes do battle with his.  He has seen Krogan crumple at the receiving end of this stare, the eyes that demand to be headed, to be feared.  She is a mean fighter, and Kaidan feels that familiar throb of electricity pooling in the back of his throat again.  The current licks at his tonsils and begs him to weaken his hold on her.

Perhaps it is the liquor or the exhaustion that finally makes her succumb, but when Shepard finally relents to his biotics, it is into Kaidan’s waiting grasp.  

Her head lolls back and her eyes flitter while her limbs go limp.  With one heave, Kaidan lifts her up.  For a woman so ferocious in battle, she feels fragile in his arms. On the front lines of Eden Prime and Horizon she is dauntless; a battering ram of a woman accustomed to achieving her mission at all costs, but in the battlegrounds of her heart and mind, she is a frequent casualty.  Broken and despaired.  Wracked by her inability to reach out for help when she needs it.  Even to him.  

But now, in the dimness of the Citadel at 4 am, he can hold up her flagging body.  He can adjust her head to rest on his shoulder then turn up the path. He can pull her close into his chest and her head can push up into the crook of his jaw.  He can carry her home.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Copious thanks to my beta-reader Nova who made sure this story makes sense to other human beings.


End file.
